iShameThe personalities are the most fun part about the NBA, but not only because they’re flashy or frequently appear in gossip blogs. Those players are fun, but it’s different types of personalities in the league that make it work.
If everyone was like James Harden and wore a pea coat version of He-Man’s vest from the Thundercats, it would get boring. Scrolling through Met Gala pics is fun for an evening, but seeing every person dress as gaudy as humanly possible would get old halfway through an NBA season.
We need Patrick Beverley to do beach workouts in Timberlands, Kawhi Leonard to wear the same sweats to NBA games that he would travel in as a college player to balance out the Russell Westbrook dressing like whatever bright color combination or inanimate object inspired him that day. There are 15 people on an NBA team, so fans of the league get to know a much greater percentage of the players than fans of other leagues. So it stands out when Steve Kerr and Dennis Rodman play on the same team, and we’re all better for that having happened.
So leave Jarrett Allen alone.
He’s apparently a simple man, with simple tastes, and an excellent afro. Allen got roasted on Twitter for his outfit at All-Star Saturday Night. Yes, it absolutely looked like a hoodie that he bought at Target, but so what. The man went for comfort instead of speed after his squad won the skills challenge.
As hilarious as I found this unnecessary joke about his attire on Saturday Night, I draw the line at what his Cleveland Cavaliers teammates made him do. During an appearance on Brian Windhorst’s Hoop Collective podcast, Allen said that his teammates refused to include him in the group chat until he bought an iPhone. “They want all blue messages,” he said.
This is where I draw the line. I have personal experience with Android shaming, as one of my cousins did it to me yesterday. Let me be clear, I could care less about your stupid blue bubbles. It’s a phone. I didn’t buy this for you to look at. I bought it for me so I can function in a society where I don’t know how to read a map book. My phone is not a fashion statement, it’s a tool. I don’t not care about your funny looks when I pull it out of my pocket nor do I care about any inconvenience it may cause you.
I’m all for recycling, wearing masks in public, pulling my car all the way up to the next car when parking on the street so there is room for another car to park behind me — you people in Los Angeles who don’t do this I hope you drop your brand new iPhone in the toilet — but I don’t care that I’m inconveniencing you because I don’t want to buy a phone that slows down when Apple would like me to buy a new one.
Keep your expensive phone and your AppleCare+ to yourself. I hear all the time, “Just get an iPhone,” from so many of these hypnotized iOS loyalists. How about you keep your eyes and hands out of my pockets and worry about your own. I participate in this data mining world of smartphones where I sacrifice my information for my own convenience, not for your’s.
So Jarrett Allen may have buckled under pressure, but he’s a millionaire so it’s worth it for him. Me, I’m standing tall with the other Android users who are tired of you people and your Air Pods looking down at us. I will continue to send you iOS folks green bubbles and if you don’t like it, in the words of the great Julius Campbell from Remember the Titans, “You better use your X-ray vision Superman,” because this green ain’t going nowhere.